WASHINGTON, DC — GOP Senators are furious to learn the $300,000,000 of student debt forgiveness will not be gifted to Ukraine.
“This is big government, yet again, reaching right into our pockets and taking the money we were gonna print and give to Ukraine!” Lindsey Grham yelled before collecting himself. “But ya know what hurts the most? It’s the blatant recklessness. How can I look my constituents in the eyes and tell them $300 billion or trillion or whatever isn’t going to their needs? And by ‘their’ I obviously mean Ukraine.”
Zelenskyy, who has a rich history of carefully keeping track of foreign aid, is also distraught by the news.
“The United States apparently forgot what it’s like to be in wartime. When I heard I would not be laundering this—I mean getting this aid, I had to cut my meet and greet with the Boston Celtics short to collect myself,” Zelenskyy said. “Now, I’m not even sure I’ll be able to enjoy our private Red Hot Chili Peppers concert tonight.”
Update: Spontaneously feeling like every citizen needed to get a few master’s degrees, Zelenskyy quickly took out a $90 trillion student loan from America’s federal government. Twelve minutes later, Joe and Hunter Biden agreed to forgive Ukraine’s debt.
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