TALLAHASSEE, FL – Speaking on Fox New’s little-known show, Tucker? I Hardly Know Her, Ron DeSantis promised to deliver Republicans something they’ve not had in a while—their vote. “But first, I need all the votes to count before I can make them count again,” DeSantis clarified. “As the Governor of Florida, I had the authority to…
Category: 2020 Election
Biden In 2020: ‘I Told Twitter They Had Six Minutes To Take Down The Story And Son Of A B----’
WASHINGTON, DC — Reminiscing with top donors yesterday, Joe Biden bragged about giving Twitter ‘six minutes’ to scrub their platforms on a story that proved he gave special access to Ukraine in exchange for Hunter’s monthly hooker and crack cocaine allowance. Twitter’s Jack Dorsey replied, “So you’re asking us to deliberately censor content from the…
New Voting Machines Provide Small Flesh Wound When Selecting ‘Democrat’ So You Know What Getting Shot Feels Like
MARICOPA COUNTY, AZ — Some exciting new ballot-receiving machines are set to hit your local voting station for the midterm elections. The newest feature is a small, but helpful flesh wound for any voter who selects a democrat. “We felt obligated to remind voters what it means to vote for democrats,” said the inventor of the…
Fox News: 'This Guy Wins Race After Taking Insurmountable One-Inch Lead'
NEW YORK– The crew over at the Fox News Decision Desk continues to impress as they immediately called a 100-meter sprinting race after one inch had been completed. It was a fourth of a second after the starter’s pistol fired when Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum sat up in their chairs as the Fox “alert”…
Joe Biden’s Bike Takes Massive Lead In 2024 Presidential Polling
DELAWARE – After four hours of Doctor Jill Biden yelling, ‘Go faster, ya old poo! Is that all you’ve got?’ at her mighty husband during his mandatory bike ride, the fictional president eventually crashed into a group of reporters, leaving blood and ass everywhere. “Awe.. damn it, Putin! I outta take you out behind the…