MARICOPA COUNTY, AZ — Some exciting new ballot-receiving machines are set to hit your local voting station for the midterm elections. The newest feature is a small, but helpful flesh wound for any voter who selects a democrat. “We felt obligated to remind voters what it means to vote for democrats,” said the inventor of the…
Category: 2020 Election
Fox News: 'This Guy Wins Race After Taking Insurmountable One-Inch Lead'
NEW YORK– The crew over at the Fox News Decision Desk continues to impress as they immediately called a 100-meter sprinting race after one inch had been completed. It was a fourth of a second after the starter’s pistol fired when Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum sat up in their chairs as the Fox “alert”…
Joe Biden’s Bike Takes Massive Lead In 2024 Presidential Polling
DELAWARE – After four hours of Doctor Jill Biden yelling, ‘Go faster, ya old poo! Is that all you’ve got?’ at her mighty husband during his mandatory bike ride, the fictional president eventually crashed into a group of reporters, leaving blood and ass everywhere. “Awe.. damn it, Putin! I outta take you out behind the…
Ray Epps Added To January 6th Committee
WASHINGTON, DC — To give themselves an edge in the January 6th mystery, the crime-fighting committee (who demand to be called J6C-FORCE!) hired none other than Ray Epps several months ago. “I think everyone who called us stupid has a lot of explaining to do,” Liz Cheney said after announcing Epps to the team. “This man…
Sidney Powell Keeps Telling Kids Their Christmas Presents Are Going To Make Their ‘Freaking Heads Explode’
Parents everywhere are asking famed lawyer, Sidney Powell, to stop calling their children and hyping up how great their Christmas presents will be. “Oh, these presents you’ll be unwrapping on Christmas? I’ll just say, wear a helmet. Because your freaking head is going to explode,” Powell told seven-year-old Elizabeth Miller. “Yeah. It’s going to be…