America Turns to CNN on Night Where Goal is to Drop the Ball

America Turns to CNN on Night Where Goal is to Drop the Ball

On a night where Americans wanted to see people drop the ball, they turned to CNN in droves. Their New Year’s Eve special titled, “Trump’s Last Year In Office!” trounced all the other networks in the ratings and caused most of CNN’s equipment to overheat and eventually catch fire.

“I honestly haven’t seen CNN since my layover in Phoenix last year,” Paul Harrison told The Glorious American. “But 2020 is going to be a big year so I turned to the team with the most experience in dropping the ball.”

Although CNN is basking in their rating success, the night was not without its problems. Most glaring was their decision to cut away from the countdown with the following exchange:

“Ok, here we go!” a giddy Anderson Cooper squealed. “10! 9! 8! 7! –but you know what?” Cooper suddenly said in a thoughtful tone. “I wonder if, while we’re all counting down, we’re missing the real story here. And that is; as the dust settles on the Mueller Report, are the walls closing in on President Trump?

“I really think so,” Jake Tapper said immediately followed by what seemed like the whole world erupting in cheers and excitement. “What the?” a confused Tapper asked. “Was that it?! Did I just impeach Trump with my brilliant commentary?! YEAH!!! I did it, you guys!!!”

Update: Jake Tapper has issued an apology for stripping and screaming, “Yeah, baby! Who’s the immature idiot now, Trump?!” into the camera.