Report: Biden To Only Pardon The Parts Of Turkey With Dark Meat

Report: Biden To Only Pardon The Parts Of Turkey With Dark Meat

What was supposed to be a fun Thanksgiving tradition quickly turned into another partisan issue. 

During the annual turkey pardoning, Biden angrily asked his staff if this particular bird had voted for him in 2020.  The fictional president was heard loudly telling staffers he knew the Easter Bunny voted for Trump, and he refused to repeat that fiasco again.

“I ran for president to unify the soul of this nation,” He eventually said into the microphone.  “But for anyone who didn’t support me, they can burn in hell.  And that includes turkeys!”

Staffers then approached Biden and began whispering what looked like a negotiation in his ear.

“Ok, folks, slight change of plans,” Psaki eventually told the small crowd.  “President Biden will now only be pardoning the portions of the turkey with dark meat.”

A still irritated Biden then knelt down to the turkey’s eye level.

“If you didn’t vote for me—then you ain’t dark meat,” he said in a nasty tone.

The turkey, clearly rattled by the old man invading his space, let out a loud and unsettling gobble.

“Wow.  That was well said.  I never thought of it that way,” Biden said, impressed with what he heard.  “Have you written speeches on a professional level before?”

Update:  When Biden learned these birds were famous for “juicy breasts,” he signed an executive order demanding all turkeys be sent to the oval office. 

[@DistefaD contributed to this article]

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