Joe Biden’s very public New Year’s Resolution of refraining from sneaking up behind Kamala Harris and massaging her shoulders has ended after nine grueling minutes.
“He gave it a tremendous effort, and I think we’re all impressed with how long he was able to last,” Karine Jean-Pierre told the press. “I think his resilience and self-control is why the voting machines in Democrat counties in the four swing states selected him.”
Donald Trump was not impressed with Biden’s short streak of not touching Harris and fired off the following tweet:
“Pathetic! Your favorite President wouldn’t come within 100 yards of Stinky Kamala. I would rather give Mike Pence a massage over her. However, that’s not saying much as Mike is far more physically gifted than Harris! NOT CLOSE!”
The media was very upset at Trump’s response and quickly created the Excellence In Self-Control and Preservation of Personal Space Award. Fictional President, Joe Biden narrowly beat out Harvey Weinstein and Anthony Weiner and captured the prestigious honor. Upon receiving the medal from CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Biden did the thing where he softy bit Cooper’s outstretched hand, and the two men stood in awkward silence.
When asked for comment, Kamala Harris delighted our hearts with one of her four-minute-long cackles. But she then got a very serious look on her face and sternly whispered “Soon.”
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