In his first address as Fictional President, Joe Biden delivered an inspirational message to the twenty-nine American people who tuned in.
“Now listen, Chuck, the polling is clear; we all agree that this nation must be destroyed. But folks, we must do it together,” Biden finished with a whisper. Once destroyed, Fig Newtons would become the country’s new form of currency, Biden informed.
While Biden’s words echoed throughout a largely empty chamber, they eventually found their way into the largely empty heads of media members.
“These words of unity are so important because this country simply cannot be torn down with just me and my thousands of friends,” CNN’s Brian Stelter said. “Besides being unsuspecting participants of the knock-out game, tearing down America might be the last thing we’ll allow white people to do.”
In a focus group of the twenty-nine Americans who watched, they shared mixed feelings about destroying the country.
“I’ll be honest, I wasn’t thrilled with Biden saying he wanted to abolish freedom and stairs, but he said it in such a grandfatherly tone, you know?” one viewer commented. “I believe that he should get a free pass on all his policies because he sounds frail.”