WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a backdrop of hell behind him, Fictional President, Joe Biden addressed the nation that funds Ukraine on Thursday. As always, his goal was to incite violence and start a civil war by the weekend.
But there was a distinct moment of unity:
“Now listen, Chuck, the polling is clear; we all agree that this nation must be destroyed. But folks, we must do it together,” Biden finished with the creepy whisper. “Once destroyed, Fig Newtons would become the country’s new form of currency,” he informed.
“These words of unity are so important because this country simply cannot be torn down with just me and my thousands of friends,” CNN’s Jake Tapper said afterward.
In a focus group of the twenty-nine suburban moms who watched, they shared mixed feelings about “destroying the country.”
“I’ll be honest, I wasn’t thrilled with Biden saying he wanted to abolish freedom and stairs, but he said it in such a grandfatherly tone, you know?” one woman commented. “I believe that he should get a free pass on all his policies failures because he sounds frail.”
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