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Joe Biden Reassures Americans He Would Bludgeon Them With Higher Taxes If Elected

Joe Biden Reassures Americans He Would Bludgeon Them With Higher Taxes If Elected

There was an audible sigh of relief on Saturday when Joe Biden told an Iowa crowd that, if elected, he would jack up their taxes.

“Thank goodness,” said local UPS driver Tommy Griffin. “My friends and I find ourselves with gobs of extra cash at the end of the month and Joe’s finally going to put it to use. I’m such a dunderhead when it comes to spending my own money,” Griffin said shrugging his shoulders.

While many presidential candidates carve-out wiggle room on lofty campaign promises, Biden seems determine to deliver on this issue. “Oh, yeah. Wiping out Trump’s tax cuts, it’ll be the first thing I do,” the former VP said. “And you can take that to the bank! That is, if we decide banks will still be allowed to exist.”

Recent polls show Biden taking a commanding lead over other Democrats and this promise to ratchet-up tax rates should only help him widen that lead.

“If there’s one thing average Americans want, it’s to have their money taken at gunpoint,” George Stephanopoulos reminded his panel on ABC’s This Week. “When I saw the Biden campaign actually pass that large offering plate around during his rally to collect cash? I think we all just got that tingly feeling. This is Joe’s time.”