CNN is telling everyone not to worry about the network’s biased treatment of Joe Biden because they’ve got a “real doozy” planned for the candidate’s December surprise.
“Timing is everything in an election year, folks. And that’s why CNN is really going to ruffle some feathers over at the DNC when we release a good old-fashioned December surprise on Joe Biden. Probably on Christmas Eve night,” CNN’s Brian Stelter said. “So gather your family around an airport TV and witness some hard-hitting journalism. Spoiler alert–it involves an expired Subway club card, two wolves, and a botched circumcision.”
In a rare public statement, the FBI agreed with CNN’s decision.
“When it comes to time-sensitive news involving prominent Democrats, we believe CNN is being responsible by dragging their feet,” the statement read. “We recommend waiting until a close election has passed, tack-on one extra year, and then issue a statement saying ‘we forgot’.”
Upon hearing that his first negative news story was in the works, Joe Biden was livid.
“Come on, man! This chicken salad doesn’t taste anything like Fig Newtons, damn it!” he yelled throwing his bowl against the wall. “What this President has done to the gooey, fruit-filled cookies is a complete—ya know what? I shouldn’t say it. Actually, I’m gonna! It’s a mother [explicit] outrage!”
Granted, Biden’s anger didn’t seem connected to the report, but he was livid nonetheless.