Bloomberg Somehow Retracts Head Into Suit Like Turtle Amid Debate Attacks

Bloomberg Somehow Retracts Head Into Suit Like Turtle Amid Debate Attacks

As many predicted, Michael Bloomberg was under siege by rival candidates during his first debate. But what wasn’t predicted was the billionaire’s ability to escape his ruckus environment by retracting his head down into his suit like a turtle.

The attacks on Bloomberg began even before the MSNBC moderators could welcome the viewers to the program. As Chuck Todd began to say: “Coming to you live from the Nevada–,” Elizabeth Warren interrupted him yelling: “Cut the crap, Chuck, I want to know why Mike over here calls women fat, horse-faced lesbians!”

From that point, it was over three hours of screaming insults at the former mayor. Around the time all the moderators began loudly chanting: “BILLIONAIRES SHOULDN’T EXIST!” Bloomberg could be seen wiggling his head and shifting his shoulders. By the time Elizabeth Warren began scrolling through her PowerPoint presentation of all the women he had abused, Bloomberg’s head then swiftly sunk inside his suit.

“What the?!” Chuck Todd yelled. “Where’d Mini-Mike go? Did his head just slide inside his suit?” Then Todd turned to Pete Buttigieg and said: “Pete, I’m not 100% sure why, but I feel you should be able to explain this type of thing.”

Despite the other candidates tempting Mike to resurface his head, he remained hidden with only his beady little eyes showing.

On the post-debate wrap-up show, animal experts were called in to explain the phenomenon. It was learned that, like most turtles, Bloomberg sensed too much danger and his head should reappear when the perceived threat subsides.

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