WASHINGTON, DC — Reminiscing with top donors yesterday, Joe Biden bragged about giving Twitter ‘six minutes’ to scrub their platforms on a story that proved he gave special access to Ukraine in exchange for Hunter’s monthly hooker and crack cocaine allowance.
Twitter’s Jack Dorsey replied, “So you’re asking us to deliberately censor content from the American people and interfere in an election? Not a problem! We don’t even need six minutes–we blocked it an hour ago.”
Mark Zuckerberg decided to take the full six minutes to disable the link and only did so after Biden officials threatened to give him “a wedgie to end all wedgies.”
“I was uncomfortable with Joe’s demands, but I am very familiar with the type of wedgie they’re threatening and I’m more uncomfortable with that,” Zuckerberg said in a statement.
Soon all the tech giants had complied with the order causing Biden to yell “Well, son of a b****!”
Sadly for the Biden campaign, every single American scrambled to find the story after the social media giants plastered the following warning at the top of their platform:
“You guys had better NOT find that super bad story about Joe Biden. It’s got everything…crime, sex, drama. It wouldn’t interest you–TRUST US!”
Update: Biden has shown the media his calendar, which reads: “Not being super corrupt” on the day the alleged meeting took place.
“Damn it, Joe!” Jake Tapper yelled in frustration. “That’s not a calendar. You just wrote that on a $100 bill just now. And it looks like a bill that’s been rolled-up into a super tight tube.”
“Hey! That’s mine, dad. Give it back!” Hunter yelled.
Give Us Story Ideas