As news broke that Candace Owens would be the next debate moderator, so did the sliding glass door at the Biden house. As soon as Biden heard the news, he screamed the F-word and ran straight through the glass door.
“He’s incredibly slow and probably still on the property,” said an unconcerned staffer while playing on his phone. “But Candace does terrify him. Joe doesn’t know what “Blexit” is, but he’s convinced it hurts, and she’s going to do it to him. He also thinks he’ll melt like the witch on The Wizard Of Oz should she get too close. It’s ok. Joe is the least essential part of this campaign.”
Candace Owens quickly put out a very ominous statement that read: “Joe can’t run, he can’t hide, and he can’t think. I will find him. Don’t worry, America, I will extract answers—surgically if I have to. No more patty cake with Chris Wallace.”
When news got out that Biden was missing, the nation’s Democrats seemed unfazed. Somehow 60 Minutes went through its hour-long interview with the former VP despite him not attending. “It wasn’t that much different than the other times we’ve had sit-downs with Joe.” Remarked host, Scott Pelley.
The President also chimed in saying, “I don’t want to speculate, but we can say with confidence a mountain lion probably ate Joe. When you find the cougar with a face of true horror and regret, you’ll find Sleepy Joe, believe me.”
Update: The hashtag #FindBiden trended for about two minutes, but that only resulted in Hunter turning himself in to the authorities.