Democrats everywhere were devastated to learn yet another hate crime turned out to be a hoax. Joe Biden, known for his deep political savvy, detected his base was feeling depressed that the supply for racist acts were not meeting Democrats’ demands.
“I understand your pain. I’d like just one sensational racist thing to be true too,” Biden softly said from his basement. “And when we do get some juicy racist thing, it’s usually from Jimmy Kimmel.”
This is why the Biden campaign was thrilled to announce a campaign promise that’s sure to uplift the spirits of liberals everywhere.
“As president, I will see to it that each registered Democrat will have a chicken in every pot and a noose in every garage!” Biden proclaimed to a dozen people watching on his live stream.
Update: All twelve people have demanded the slogan be changed to ‘free-range’ chicken. Less than a minute later they demanded it updated to ‘vegan chicken substitute spread’. Joe Biden then reflexively responded, “you can take whatever you want, just don’t hurt me.”