On Friday an absolutely panicked Joe Biden raced around his campaign headquarters screaming, “This is it! I [explicit] knew it! We’re being invaded by the Swiss!”
His wife, Jill was on hand and tried to clarify Joe’s misunderstanding, but he could not be restrained. “I’ll talk– I’ll tell them ANYTHING! Obama was born in Kenya! Hillary kills for sport! Michelle and Michael Avenatti are actually the same person! Just don’t let them cut me with their Swiss army knives!” he pleaded with his eyes fixated on CNN as they aired footage of the USNS Comfort slowly docking. “Look at how bloodthirsty they are,” he whispered as his face turned white.
Several staffers sat on the former VP as Jill tried to reassure him that the USA was in no danger. “Look, honey, look right there,” she pointed to the TV screen. “They’re also sending a ship to Los Angeles and—,” but she was cut off by and even more belligerent Joe: “They’re in LA now too?! Holy [explicit] are we [explicit]!”
Throughout his profanity-laced panicked rant, Joe Biden was repeatedly warned that even if the Swiss were invading, this is not how a president should act. “Oh, screw that! I’m out. Trump can have it!” he hollered.
Update: After providing Joe with hours of explanation and 60ccs of relaxing medication normally given to circus bears, he finally calmed down and agreed to re-enter the presidential race. However, staffer morale has dipped ever since he vowed to “sell each and every one of them to the Swiss as slaves” if it meant saving himself.