Candidates Now Blame Poor Performance On Marianne Williamson Giving Them A Contact High

Candidates Now Blame Poor Performance On Marianne Williamson Giving Them A Contact High

As the dust settles from Tuesday’s Democratic debate, many of the candidates feel they need to answer for their poor performances. “It was that damn kook Williamson!” Tim Ryan exclaimed. “She was baked outta her mind and gave us all a contact high!” Ryan’s claim, as odd as it sounds, is not being dismissed. Many…

CNN Reinforcing Camera Lenses In Case Cory Booker Stares Directly At Them During Debate

CNN Reinforcing Camera Lenses In Case Cory Booker Stares Directly At Them During Debate

CNN can be called many things but unprepared isn’t one of them. A source close to the network has told The Glorious American that CNN is reinforcing each of their TV camera lenses in case Cory Booker stares directly at them. Booker suffers from a rare disability eye doctors call: “Insane Eye Balls” or IEB.…

Protesters Plan To Take To The Streets Over Baltimore Tweets As Soon As They Find Streets

Protesters Plan To Take To The Streets Over Baltimore Tweets As Soon As They Find Streets

Jeff Hathaway is a passionate liberal from Brooklyn and he is fuming mad. When Jeff and his friends heard Donald Trump tweeted that be believes the city of Baltimore is “a mess”, they took the train down to Baltimore to protest Trump’s remarks. “I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do! We’re gonna take to the…

15 Years Ago, Barack Obama Sang, “Oh, I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” At DNC Convention

15 Years Ago, Barack Obama Sang, “Oh, I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” At DNC Convention

It was 15 years ago, a relatively unknown Senator from Illinois approached the stage at the DNC convention. The young man named Barack Obama grabbed the microphone and prepared to give his keynote speech. We all remember those awkward few seconds of hesitation as Obama stared out into the packed house. He pushed his notes…

Discovery Channel To Replace Shark Week With Hillary Week

Discovery Channel To Replace Shark Week With Hillary Week

31 years ago, The Discovery Channel debuted Shark Week, a weeklong set of programming showcasing the captivating deep-sea hunters. But in a stunning announcement on Thursday, Shark Week is being replaced with Hillary Week. “Listen, people are fascinated by sharks because of the danger they pose,” Director of Programming, Nathan Kavanaugh, told The Glorious American.…