Local Cat Informs Sleep Number Store No Number Will Work For Him

Local Cat Informs Sleep Number Store No Number Will Work For Him

A local house cat has informed Sleep Number that no matter how they adjust the firmness of the mattress, there’s just no number that will work for him. “I’ve been here for 6 years and I’ve never seen this,” said Sleep Number rep Jake Coleman. “I would go softer, and he would just scowl. I’d…

First-Ever International NBA Finals Means National Anthem Will Be Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”

First-Ever International NBA Finals Means National Anthem Will Be Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”

A little known NBA rule states that, in the event of an international Finals matchup, the national anthem will be “Ironic,” the 1995 hit by Canadian singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette. Understanding the public doesn’t want to sit through two separate national anthems, a 1995 game operations committee decided “Ironic” was the only song that truly captured…

Jerry Nadler Named Finalist For 2019 Fashion Icon Award

Jerry Nadler Named Finalist For 2019 Fashion Icon Award

After decades of being snubbed, Rep. Jerry Nadler was finally recognized as a contender for the 2019 Fashion Icon Award. “Long overdue,” said E! fashion expert George Kotsiopoulos. “Modern style is increasingly edgy and groundbreaking, and Jerry has been keeping us on our heels for years.” When asked for clarification, Kotsiopoulos explained, “When your average…

To Combat Food Safety Concerns, Chipotle Will Now Squirt Purell on Your Meal

To Combat Food Safety Concerns, Chipotle Will Now Squirt Purell on Your Meal

In an effort to combat their ongoing food safety concerns, Chipotle is now giving each meal a dollop of Purell. The restaurant chain believes that mixing in the hand sanitizer will be a huge win-win. “Not only should the Purell kill off the lethal bacteria, it will offer the piercing alcohol taste many burritos are…

James Comey Releases Series Of Motivational Posters

James Comey Releases Series Of Motivational Posters

Over the weekend, former FBI Director James Comey announced a line of motivational posters. “I’ve always been someone who can motivate the masses with my leadership,” said Comey. “I would say this project captures my two favorite things—giving great advice and my likeness being framed in large pictures.” The series will debut with the following…